Expectations

As a parent I have often thought about the expectations that I have set for my daughters and whether they were unreasonable. From the time they were born my wife and I began to set certain bars, milestones that we worked to achieve from how quickly they slept through the night to being well behaved to more current issues like playing sports and scholastics. I was an equal opportunity offender often wishing my parents, my wife, as well as my kids were just a little bit different. It was through a lot of pain that I realized that what made my expectations unreasonable was not accepting the people in my life as being exactly as they are supposed to be at that moment. Instead, I often tried to change them slightly to accommodate my needs and wants hence

UNREASONABLE.

Once I began the journey of trying to accept people as being perfectly imperfect and exactly where they are supposed to be, it became clear that the issues I was having with other people (as in, not doing what I wanted or my kids not behaving thusly) was ME.

Because Worrying Well is (a place) to share my experience as a father, I will cite some examples that stand out and have helped shape this 52-year-old dad of two teenage girls to become more accepting and less demanding

When my daughter Sophie was born 16 months after her sister Ruby, I had learned all about early parenting having just gone through it, my expectations were underway, and I knew how things were supposed to be.

Ruby sucked her thumb, knew how to soothe herself, had an easy temperament and was very expressive. Essentially, she hit all the “milestones” we had learned she was supposed to hit for her age. 16 months later when Sophie was born, and our expectations were already predetermined, we set out with the same script that was just written. When Sophie didn’t respond the same way and her inability to soothe herself became apparent, I began to experience anxiety and worry at a high level. That reaction was so powerful, it affected all the people in my path and my level of serenity with the universe was challenged.

I found myself constantly running after her, telling her to stop, not to run so fast, to be careful! I was terrified she was going to get hurt. The more I reacted that way, the more fearful and anxious I became. 

As the son of a decorated therapist and professional worrier (my mother), I was quick to seek advice from a professional, so my wife and I reached out for help. I explained the contrast between our two daughters, my concerns for Sophie and my desire for her to behave more like her sister. The therapist listened intently and then followed up with one of the early parenting/spiritual nuggets that has helped shape me as a father. He told me I needed to accept that my daughters, while close in age, are totally different people. He then went on to say, “you might even be in an Emergency Room at some point with this child if she falls and hurts herself but STOP saying NO all the time”. Stop running after her and preventing her from being exploratory and maybe even a risk-taker. He said and I quote “If she is going to climb a bookshelf, teach her how to climb it safely.” Don’t stunt her – It was at that moment that I knew I had to shift my expectations to accommodate the differences in my two girls.

“If she is going to climb a bookshelf, teach her how to climb it safely.”

Years later, I received another nugget that helped continue my growth as a parent. This time it came from my 12 year old daughter not a professional Therapist. My younger daughter excelled in athletics. She was always one of the better players, it came easy to her. I jumped right in and began coaching anything I could, I loved taking her for new sneakers and sports apparel. We traveled to various places to compete with her travel teams, which consisted of many of her close friends. 

She was always competitive but unlike some of her friends, she did not spend her free time practicing and training to get better the way some of the other players were. My expectations were only to help her become the best she can be. I knew that practicing was vital and without it no one gets better. I offered private training sessions as I was fortunate enough to afford but at every turn there was resistance. My frustration and anxiety grew. I knew what she didn’t know - that unless she took this seriously, and trained, she would not be able to continue to compete at the same level.

Then came the next Spiritual/Parenting Nugget.

After another failed attempt to nudge her, she said the following and I quote “Dad, I don’t want to be great I just want to have fun with my friends”.

This is from a 12-year-old who helped me realize how important it is to be an active listener - if I was selfish and self-centered, which I can often be, I would have missed the whole thing. What a beautiful moment having your child tell you what they need and listening. I remembered that therapist saying stop saying no and say ok. As she eventually phased out of playing in more competitive leagues, she continued to find ways to enjoy the sports she liked without making it an event and a demand upon her. How special is that, to enjoy something without feeling a sense of obligation - especially towards a parent’s expectations.

She has since thrived and shows incredible leadership skills and self-esteem, which is all I could have ever wished for. The best part is, she remains a terrific athlete - without it being her identity.

Fast Forward to my third and final example of unreasonable expectations:

My older daughter is a terrific student (so is my younger one but we talked about her already). I won’t say how good, because she will get mad at me but let’s just say, she’s a Jr and does very well. She is also kind, empathetic, caring, funny and beautiful to name some of her other qualities. This kid is special from day 1. I was taught early on that you work hard in school, get good grades, go to a good college - that formula was the recipe for your happiness and future “success”. Boy was I wrong. Working hard and getting good grades is something we all should teach our children but setting up expectations for their future based on grades and what college they might go to is an old idea. My opinion of course.

To me, as a father of two teenage girls, I spend a great deal of time talking with them about self-esteem and the role that will play in their future relationships. I help them do esteem-able acts to build a foundation of self-confidence. Really, I do this because I am someone who struggled in school, who used chemicals to help me quell the fears and anxiety caused by having low self-esteem. I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex which basically means I had all the outside stuff going on but had a donut-sized hole inside filled with fear and worry. 

Through a lot of hard work, I overcame many of those struggles and managed to get the cash and prices they talk about as a “successful” life. My way wasn’t the traditional way and my hope for my girls is that they find their own way. That they go to a school that fits them, not the one that looks the best on paper, and that they find mechanisms to process their worry and fears in better ways than I did. That formula, at whatever school they go to, will lead to SUCCESS.